Faith After Loss

Beginning of loss

Growing up in a small town had its perks. You had tons of room to explore the outdoors, you basically know everyone, and you just feel at “home.” I had a pretty average childhood, lived in a home filled with love and affection and we didn’t have any major financial struggles. There were two things that were missing, my two parents. I was raised by my grandparents from the age of 6 months old. Being raised by my grandparents was a blessing because I did witness a healthy marriage and a two-parent home for which I am grateful. My papa was one of the strongest, loving, and caring men I’ve ever known. I loved him with all my heart. I remember the excitement that would take over my heart when I would see his car pull up in the driveway after he got off work. I just wanted to be in his presence all the time. He made me feel so loved and safe. We would take family vacations every year and I was always involved in some sort of extra curricular activity. I thrived. However, being an elementary aged child, you’re subjected to bullying from other children. I remember when we would have school events like open house, holiday programs, sports, etc., my grandparents were always there to support me. Other children would make comments like, ” why are your parents so old”, “they’re going to die soon.” Being my innocent 7-year-old self, I believed these children and started to have anxiety about their death. ” What will happen to me if they die?” This question constantly repeated in my head and most nights, I would get up and go to their room to make sure they both were breathing. What I didn’t understand then was that this all stemmed from fear of abandonment.

When I was younger, I could never attend sleepovers with cousins or friends because when it was time for bed, I would have so much anxiety from being away from my grandparents. Now that I reflect on those feelings, they were stemming from fear and separation anxiety. I remember attending a slumber party at my cousins house for her birthday, we were having such a great time, playing activities, singing songs, and then it was night fall. I immediately felt my heart start to race, palms sweating, and nausea. I went and hid under a table and began sobbing uncontrollably to the point to where I started vomiting. I was so anxious and fearful to spend a night away from them. Racing thought of their death would overtake my mind to where the anxiety would make me physically sick. My uncle ended up having to drive me home in the middle of the night because I was unable to physically function. This story all falls back on the burden of abandonment. I understand that fully now. I didn’t know then but the Lord had His precious hand on my life. Even in those fearful times, He has always carried me. A scripture that brings me comfort for thought and memories of abandonment is Deuteronomy 31:8 ESV, ” It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; He will never leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”

My mother was actively involved in my life; circumstances just prevented us from living together. We saw each other all the time and I loved her dearly. I also spent a lot of time with my little brother. He would come and spend the summers with us and because of this, we have a very strong bond. I remember being envious of my brother because our mother raised him. I would feel like I wasn’t good enough, unwanted, and as we grew this turned into resentment towards my mother. We have since had heart to heart moments about how we both feel. She carries so much guilt and shame for not raising me my prayer for her is that she truly forgives herself because I already have and I am so grateful for the relationship that we have in my adult life. She has always been so supportive of me and my endeavors and I am grateful and appreciative of that.

My father on the other hand, well, he never played an active role in my life. He had several other children; I had 8 siblings from my father in which we all had different mothers. I remember times he would call and talk to me and I would be so excited at the thought of spending time with him and being around my siblings. Sometimes he would show up and sometimes he wouldn’t. On the times he would show up, we would ride to my aunts house where I would stay for the duration of my visit. I vaguely remember seeing my father during these visits, he was in and out. Most of the time, I would end up calling my grandfather ready to go home because I just felt so alone. As a child, your innocence is so pure. You love your parents naturally. Although I was blessed to be in such a loving home, I longed for my parents. I use to wonder what it would be like to live in a home with both my mother and father.

You can recover from abandonment. You don’t have to carry that burden; the enemy will attempt to lead you to believe that this is your burden to carry. Christ died for our freedom, be free in Him. The Lords word says, ” Take My yolk upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rests for your souls. For my yoke is easy and My burden is light.”- Matthew 11: 29-30 NKJV.

Innocence Lost

“A child’s innocence doesn’t know rejection, hasn’t seen denial, hasn’t gone through the pains of unrequited love and knows no boundaries.”- PS

I remember living to go outside and play as a little girl. My neighbors and I use to ride bikes around our cul-de-sac and play hide and seek until the streetlights came on. At the end of each play day, before heading inside, we would all hold hands around the light pole and sing the Barney, “I love you” song. It was a time I will forever cherish in my heart. The innocent, fun, and carefree life.

Things changed for me when I was 8 years old. I would have to go to a family members house every day after school until my granny got off of work. I would play with my cousins and pass the time until I was picked up. I remember a family member that would always be a little more touchy feely with me when playing hide and seek or tag. It started off subtle at first. He would push his body up against mine for long periods of time and stroke my face. The touching increased. He started to touch my private areas on top of my clothes and would ask me to show him my panties. I would do it because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do. Gradually, the touching became more intense under the clothes. He would touch my private parts and make me touch his. He also would rub his genitals up against mine. I remember the day I knew this was not supposed to be happening. We were playing hide and seek and I hid on the bed under the covers. He came and got under the covers with me and started touching and fondling me. I froze; it was almost like I was outside of my body as the tears rolled down my face I laid there until he was done. My granny picked me up that day in our normal routine and went home.

The following morning, I went to the restroom and began to scream because it was burning when I urinated. My granny ran in asking what was wrong and all I could do was cry. She asked me, ” has anyone touched you?’ I looked up and nodded my head yes. I finally felt some relief to tell her what had been going on. She immediately took me to the doctor to get checked out and it was found that I had developed a vaginal infection. When we got home, I sat at our bar spinning in a barstool. My granny called the family members home to tell them what had been going on and to ask questions and his mother said, ” what do want me to do? Do you want some money?” My 9 year old self at this time stopped twirling in the barstool and it was like the world stood still. I didn’t know it then but it was at that moment that I developed the burden of shame.

My granny did what she knew best to protect me. She changed her shifts at work and I no longer had to go over to that family members home after school. After the molestation was revealed, we never discussed it and just moved on with our lives. This isn’t something that is abnormal within our culture. You just sweep stuff under the rug and move on in hopes of healing. I didn’t know then, but this small seed of shame would continue to grow as I grew and matured. Experiencing childhood trauma can take a toll on a child. Children are so resilient but if the shame and trauma isn’t healed it can manifest and turn into a bigger burden of fear, anxiety, and hopelessness. You ask yourself, ” why does God allow these things to happen to children? His word says, ” The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” Psalm 34:18.

Loss of my papa

That shame and abandonment filled little girl grew up, graduated high school, and went off to college. Not only did I show up with my physical luggage, I was also carrying the weight of all these burdens unbeknownst to me. I was optimistic, eager, and ready to embark on this new adventure. I decided to major in nursing initially, however, after taking some courses I decided it wasn’t for me so I changed my major to social work. I didn’t know it then but this was all part of God’s divine plan for my life.

I experienced a full college life. From the parties, friendships, struggles, and hardships. I can say this experience was one of the best times of life, even with the challenges I endured. I remember it was the second semester of my sophomore year; I was having troubles with financial aid and was on the brink of being kicked out of school. I had to come with $900 something odd dollars to continue with my sophomore year. Around this time, my father had been reaching out to me quite frequently. He was excited about the college I was attending because it was also his alma mater. We met up a few times for lunch and he came down and brought me money on occasions. I felt comfortable enough to reach out to him for help knowing that my grandparents were not financially stable enough to cover the costs. I called my father and he agreed to help me with the payment and actually pay it in full. I was elated and thanked God that He was allowing this to work out for me along with the new relationship and trust I was developing with my dad. We agreed to meet the following day at his office and he would give me a cashier’s check for the amount due. I informed him that I only had enough gas money to get there since it was an hour drive for me. He ensured me that he would take care of everything including my gas tank.

The following day came, I woke up, got ready, and headed down to my dads office. I called him a few times while in route only to receive his voicemail. It wasn’t uncommon for him to not answer so I continued to drive. I arrived at his office, walked into the suite only to find the office locked and the lights out. I proceeded to call him while standing in this building, still no answer. I felt my heart start to race as I visualized that once small version of myself feeling anxious to leave my grandparents. That burden of fear, abandonment, and anxiety slowly creep up and my eyes began to fill with tears. I went back to my vehicle sat down, took some deep breathes in attempt to calm myself down. I tried calling him again several times with no success. The pain I felt in that moment was so surreal. I felt so embarrassed for trusting that he would come through for me. I sat in my vehicle crying and calling out to God for about an hour. “Why is this happening to me Lord?” Why did you allow me to drive down here for me to endure this pain?” I didn’t want to relive those feelings that I had never dealt with. So I sat there crying, screaming at God trying to figure out what I was going to do and how I was going to make it home. My gaslight was now on, I had no money, and I was an hour away from campus.

After crying out to God, I felt a wave of calmness come over my body and I developed this strength that I know only came from the Lord. He directed me to call one of my cousins, I called and she was able to place some money in my account so I can make it home. I was so grateful I was able to make it home even though I still didn’t know what I was going to do about my tuition. As I reflect on this moment in my life, a moment that was so painful, I realize God was trying to get me to acknowledge my burden of abandonment. I still had not put the pieces together after all the years had passed. He did comfort me in the moment giving me the strength to calm down and figure out a solution. This situation brings this scripture to my mind, ” God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble” Psalm 46:1 NLT.

It was late when I made it back to campus so I just went to bed. I shared my experience with my cousin that also attended college with me. Shortly after speaking to her my aunt ( her mother) reached out to me and told me that she would cover my tuition cost. I immediately thanked her and God for this blessing I did not see coming. I was literally preparing to start packing my bags to head home with a defeated spirit… But God! My dear aunt is someone that was very close to me and we spent a lot of time together. She was also my granny’s best friend. She went to be with Jesus in 2016 and it was so unexpected and hurtful to my entire family. Her spirit lives on today and I still feel her presence when I visit her home.

After my tuition was resolved I continued on with the spring semester of my sophomore year and things were progressing well. I received a phone call from my granny that my papa had had a stroke. I packed my bags and headed home to see him. That drive home was filled with tears and desperate payers that he would be okay. I didn’t know what to expect and all of those fears of my grandparent’s death resurfaced from childhood. I managed to survive the drive and I arrived at the hospital to see him and he was alert and conscious. I was so grateful. He had a long road to recovery with therapy but he was expected to make a full recovery. Thankfully, when I arrived home I would only miss two days of classes since we were on spring break the following week. I was so grateful that I was able to be there for my grandparents and help my granny with caring for him after his hospital discharge. Over the following week, I took my papa back and fourth to therapy appointments and to get various test ran. My papa was a very strong man and he was unable to walk at this time as he was taking physical therapy. It killed me to see his struggle and watch his frustrations with not being able to attend to certain tasks without assistance. I remember driving him and my granny to the bank, and my papa and I waited while she went in to tend to the business. He looked at me and said, “be sure to take care of your granny. She doesn’t know how to tend to business because I’ve handled everything for 42 years.” I looked at him and said, “of course I will take care of her but I don’t need to because you’re going to be here.” The look in his eyes told a different story. It’s like he knew he was going to leave this Earth soon.

Two days had past and things were going okay with papa and his appointments. He still wasn’t walking but he was making progress with the use of his left arm. Later that evening, we were all getting ready for bed when I noticed my papa’s breathing was labored. I asked him if he was okay and he insisted that he was and just wanted to go to sleep. I wasn’t so sure but he was so stubborn. In the middle of the night, I heard him wake up with shortness of breath. I turned on the light to check on him and he was drenched in sweat. I could tell he had a fever. I woke my granny up and we headed to the hospital. While waiting in the ER, my papa told me he had to vomit. I immediately ran and got a basin and brought it to him. He began to vomit, and it was black as charcoal. I knew something was wrong. I told the nurse to come and see it and they wheeled him back to the ICU.

Once my papa got a room they began running a series of test and administering medication. My granny and I were along his bedside and he looked and me and said. I am going to be okay, you go ahead and go to a cousin’s house. I was very reluctant to leave but he insisted I do. I proceeded to head to my cousins house in preparation to spend the night there. Before I went to bed, I called the hospital and talked to my papa and he said, “I will be okay, don’t you worry.” His voice was shaky but I trusted him. He never let me down. I tossed and turned all night eager for the morning to come so I could head back to the hospital. When I finally fell asleep, I was awakened a couple hours later by a family member to tell me that my papa had just passed away. I jumped up, ran outside, and immediately began to throw up and sob uncontrollably. My biggest fear had finally come true. I lost a grandparent. I just needed to get to my granny and wrap my arms around her. I couldn’t imagine how she was feeling at that very moment.

After I lost my papa I was in complete darkness of grief. The only man knew, as a true and solid father was no longer here. I remember my dad called me days after my papa’s death to send me his condolences. He said, ” I am sorry for the loss of your grandfather, I guess that means I will be the one to walk you down the isle now.” This comment infuriated me and I responded with, ” it would be my uncle or brother before it would be you!” I was so upset with him and this was the first time I had heard from him since the tuition incident. My faith was so shaky at this point. I was starting to doubt God and His goodness. I just didn’t understand how He could allow that heartbreak from my dad standing me up to lose my grandfather weeks after. It seemed cruel and I just didn’t understand it.

Returning to school after my papa’s death was hard. My grief turned into anger and I began to rebel. I started drinking alcohol heavily to the point of blacking out to mask the pain. I would get drunk and become belligerent spewing out mean and hateful things to those who I loved and were close to me. I was so far from God. This behavior continued over the course of several months and I drifted further and further away from God.

It wasn’t until I just became tired of the feeling of darkness that I decided to attempt to make a change. I was so embarrassed by my behavior that I was ashamed to even talk to God. I was so ashamed and afraid in my sin that I just couldn’t face Him. I had no words, just pain in my heart. I decided to listen to my Fred Hammond CD and I randomly selected a song, so I thought but it was gift from the Holy Spirit. The title of the song is, “Please Don’t Pass Me By,” The song is about the story in the bible where the blind man is sitting on the roadside. The story in is Luke 18:35-43 “35 As Jesus approached Jericho, a blind beggar was sitting beside the road. 36 When he heard the noise of a crowd going past, he asked what was happening. 37 They told him that Jesus the Nazarene[a] was going by. 38 So he began shouting, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!” 39 “Be quiet!” the people in front yelled at him. But he only shouted louder, “Son of David, have mercy on me!” 40 When Jesus heard him, he stopped and ordered that the man be brought to him. As the man came near, Jesus asked him, 41 “What do you want me to do for you?” Lord,” he said, “I want to see!” 42 And Jesus said, “All right, receives your sight! Your faith has healed you.” 43 Instantly the man could see, and he followed Jesus, praising God. And all who saw it praised God, too.” The comparison that I shared with this story was the desperation and need for Jesus and just like the blind man I was blind, but spiritually. Covered in all of my sin and shame my heart truly desired the love and comfort from Jesus. So, essentially I was no different from this blind man. I was a sinner, broken, ashamed, and needed Jesus. This song highlighted that emotion in my heart and gave me the courage to verbally cry out to Jesus. This song was a pivotal turning point in my life and helped me with processing my grief of the loss of my papa.

Loss of self

Things went well the duration of college and I ended up earning my bachelors degree in Social Work and a Master Degree in Counseling. While in college I met a guy. We dated off and on for the duration of about 2 years while in college. I knew he wasn’t the ideal match for me but I loved him. We lived different lives. He was fast paced and reckless and I was more reserved and driven. We eventually went our separate ways and lost contact for about two years after college.

We (old boyfriend) and I ended up running into each other and exchanged numbers. It was very casual and we only talked a few times on the phone. In the meantime, I was on an internship and a friend of mine wanted me to meet her brother in law. I was reluctant at first but decided to give him my phone number. We talked on the phone a few times and had a pretty good connection. He was very charming and funny. I decided to go on a date with him and we had a great time. He had the same personality in person that he had on the phone. That was often times rare. We laughed and shared stories about past experiences. It was something different about this guy. I just couldn’t figure out what it was.

Meanwhile, my ex boyfriend and I continued to talk and hung out a few times. I started to feel the old feelings I had for him started to resurface. He hadn’t changed much, still lived a fast pace life and smoked marijuana. It was something about the recklessness of him that captivated me, or so I thought. I was still broken. Carrying shame, guilt, and abandonment from my childhood. I always loved God but I would often times put our relationship on the back burner in different seasons of my life.

Our relationship continued, we spend a lot of time together and began to rekindle those same old feelings we had in college. This time, I was in a different place. Having completed college and having a career I was more responsible and attentive to what situations I put myself in. He on the other hand, hadn’t changed and still lived a carefree reckless life. I thought I could stick with him and he’d eventually change. One day, I visited him to watch movies and hang out and when I arrived at his home I noticed he has cocaine on his dresser. He proceeded to sniff a line, looked at me and said, I’m just trying it out, I promise I won’t get addicted. I had an unsettling feeling in my stomach. I knew this is not the type of thing I should surround myself with but part of me just wanted to help him. He was hurting, I wasn’t sure why but I could feel it. So I just overlooked it.

As the weeks progressed, I noticed the erratic change in his behavior; he would lash out at me and then apologize. I would forgive him because I would think about his broken heart and how God always gave me grace. One afternoon we had plans to go see a movie. I arrived at his home to see him doing cocaine, yet again. It was something different this time. He had a look in his eye and it was pure evil. I knew at that moment that I could no longer be in this situation. I told him that things were going to work between us anymore. He snapped. He began cursing at me calling me all types of vile and obscene names. I ignored him and proceeded to get my things and leave. He ran to the door and locked it and said, “Bitch, you ain’t going anywhere!” He began to punch me and drag me to his bedroom. He held me down on the bed and choked me to the point to where I thought I was going to die. He let me go and laughed and spit in my face. He then grabbed his gun from his nightstand and held it to my head. In that moment I thought, ” I am going to die here and no one knows where I am, God please help me leave here alive.” He pulled the trigger, nothing happened. He did this four times and each time my heart stopped. He laughed and mocked my fear. He then dragged me to the bathroom, hogged tied me, and proceeded to hold my face under running water from the bathtub. He would do this for several seconds and then pull me up multiple times.

Throughout this whole ordeal, I talked to God in fear. I was fearful but I had faith that I would walk out of there alive. I prayed for an opportunity for Him to intervene and he provided me with one. After hours of being held hostage, I looked in his eyes and said, “Are you going to kill me?” Those evil eyes I had seen for the last several hours started to look normal again. I said, “whatever you decide to do, I love you and I forgive you.” I noticed that he started to soften up with my statement. I began to speak calmly to him I don’t really recall everything that I said but he eventually let me leave. When I left out of there, I never looked back. I sobbed as I drove myself home and thanked God for saving my life.

The weeks to pass were very rough as I processed the trauma I had just experienced; I slipped into a very depressed state. I functioned and went to work but I felt so dead, fearful, and empty inside. Even though God had saved me I was so ashamed of allowing myself to be placed in that situation. I seen all the red flags and ignored them. I would go to work and come home and drink until it was time for bed. I would barely eat and lost a lot of weight. I honestly felt like a walking ghost mentally and spiritually. This went on for several weeks; I isolated myself from friends and family. Alcohol was my therapy.

It was a Saturday evening, I was home hanging out on my patio drinking and listening to music. I started to remember past experiences and this unique individual popped up in my mind. The funny guy I went on a date with and had awesome conversations with. I wondered how he was doing; it had been months since we talked. I decided to call him. We caught up and had such a good conversation I decided to invite him over. When he arrived, I could tell he was shocked by my appearance, I didn’t look the same. I had lost weight I was wearing the depression and hurt on my face. He didn’t say it but I knew. He was still his sweet and funny self. We sat on the patio listening to music and sharing stories. I finally got the courage to tell him what had happened to me. He was so empathetic and sensitive to my emotions in that very moment. I didn’t feel judged for my poor choices. It made me feel safe and I hadn’t felt that in a long time.

A few weeks past and I was starting to feel a little better. My self-confidence was coming back. I was still talking to my friend often and he didn’t know it then but he was helping me heal. I was starting to embrace him and care for him on an intimate level. I still was distant from God in my shame but He never left me. My friend invited me over to hang out, we went out to a lounge and went back to his place. It was late and we had had a few drinks so I stayed the night to be safe. When we woke up the following morning, he asked me to have bible study with him. It was in that very moment I realized what was special about him. We read and he reflected on the scriptures we read. His knowledge of the word and connection to God was such an inspiration to me. I remember thanking God on my way home. I was grateful that he revealed to me why he was so special. I knew then that this was the man I was going to marry.

Over the next several weeks, our relationship intensified and I was so thirsty for God and my now boyfriend had so much wisdom to share with me. I remember one night we were talking on the phone and I told him I was just wanted to whole heartily surrender to God. He gave me this scripture in Luke 9:23, ” Then He said to them all, If anyone desires to come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow me.” Immediately after reading that scripture I felt the warmness of the Holy Spirit ignite in my heart. The tears flowed and I fell to the floor and poured my heart out to God. I begged for forgiveness of all my sins, and asked Him to take all these burdens that I’d carried for years. I cried out and asked why I had to endure so much pain in my life and if I’d ever be free of it all. While lying there crying out to God, I was hit with a wave of comfort and His presence in the room. He was there!! He stroked my back and comforted me just as He’d done my entire life even when I didn’t feel it. I wasn’t still enough to notice His hand over my entire life. Things changed for me that night. I encountered the Holy Spirit and it was so comforting and loving. An agape love that can never happen in human form. I was safe and secure. I called my boyfriend and shared my experience with him. He came over and we rejoiced together, crying and listening to worship music. It was beautiful sharing that experience with him. I am so grateful for God using him to share that scripture with me. To this day, I carry hat scripture with me. On June 22, 2013, we got married. It was one of the happiest days of my life knowing I was marrying the man that God handpicked for me.

Almost lost

On September 12, 2014 my husband and I welcomed our first child, a beautiful and healthy baby girl. She brought us so much joy from the moment she entered the world. We had some scary moments with her in my third trimester of pregnancy but God gave us grace and she was born healthy. She is truly a miracle. Our lives were so fulfilled. We had just had our precious baby and bought a home. God’s blessings were immediate after we were married. I felt so complete and at peace.

Marriage is a journey that requires sacrifice. When two people with their own “stuff” come together things can become overwhelming. We both loved the Lord but we had our stuff. Three years into our marriage, my strong husband who once gave me the strength and wisdom started to slip into a dark place. We became so distant from each other. He started playing video games and became addicted to them. He would spend hours disconnected from us and other family members. I started to resent him. I didn’t realize it then but he was hurting and desperate for the Lord to pick him back up. The deeper the addiction got, the more distant we became. We were basically roommates who didn’t talk to each other or sleep in the same room. I didn’t know what to do and I felt like this was something that we would never be able to overcome, as it had already been a year of this with no change.

While he gammed, I indulged myself in toxic reality television shows, which penetrated my mind with negativity that made me lack compassion and empathy for my husband and his depression. We fought almost daily and said mean and hateful things to each other. I felt like I was sinking into a bottomless pit. I was so confused as to why God was allowing this to happen to our marriage. I wanted a divorce and I vocalized that to my husband and at that point he wanted one too. We were miserable.

I remember one afternoon while watching reality television, I just started crying and asking God what he wanted me to do. I was so tired of being miserable with my marriage and myself. In that moment the Holy Spirit directed me to turn off the television. Once I did, He spoke to my heart, ” be still, your life is too loud.” I knew automatically that the negativity I had been putting in my mind from those television shows muted the voice of God in my life. He spoke to my heart and told me I had to go to war. I created my own secret place in our spare bedroom. I had no clue what I was doing but I was acting in obedience. I remember my husband questioning me as to why I was spending all this money creating this secret place. The comment saddened me but I realized that wasn’t coming from him, that was the enemy trying to derail me. Once the room was created I sat in my plush purple chair and said, “okay God, now what?” The first thing God lead me to do was create a prayer covenant list. This list consisted of four prayers my heart desired to be answered, with restoration of my marriage being one of them.

I suited up with my Armor of God and began to go to war. I have never prayed and read the word so much in my life. I woke each morning at 5am and went in the battlefield. It was powerful. I had some of the most powerful and intimate interactions with my Father while in my secret place. I continued to go to war for 9 months, consistently reading and praying daily. My husband was still in his dark place but I didn’t let it discourage me, I prayed harder. I knew the man God gave me, and I knew this couldn’t defeat him. Things slowly started to change; we began to sleep in the same room again. He was still gaming but this was progress that I praised God for.

One night we had a disagreement about lack of communication. He and I both were upset and things went from bad to worse. We were both angry and I remember thinking I cannot take this anymore. ” God I am being obedient in my secret place, why am I not seeing the fruit?” I was losing my faith at that moment and decided I was done. I told my husband I was packing my bags and leaving. I went to my closet to begin packing and in the midst of my packing, he was asking me not to leave, I ignored him and continued to pack. He said the only thing to stop me from leaving, ” I will destroy my Xbox.” I froze in my tracks because I never thought I would hear him say that but I honestly didn’t believe it to be true. Next thing I knew, I heard a big “bang” and him yell ” In the name of Jesus!” I ran downstairs and saw my husband outside, and his game system shattered on the concrete patio. God heard me! We both hugged each other and cried. It was powerful; God restored our marriage in that moment. Reliving this moment brings this scripture to mind, ” And it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to Him must believe that God exists and that He rewards those who sincerely seek Him” Hebrews 11:6-NLT. I acted in obedience and consistently sought out God in hopes of a break through. He restored my marriage because of my obedience. I know this was all part of His divine plan and I am so grateful for the fruit that was bared from the development of my secret place. Also, those other prayers that were on my covenant list were all answered! God is so good! Being still and present with Him is an indescribable experience. It’s the only way to live and thrive.

Over the next following weeks I noticed a change in my husband. He was more kind and tinder. He verbalized and showed me that he was glad and honored to serve my daughter and I. We started spending time together as a family and it was so joyous. I felt so at peace like I had my husband back. He was slowly coming out of his darkness and I could physically see layers being removed from him by God. I remember one day I came home from work and walked in the house, my husband was on his knees listening to worship music with tears falling from his face. He looked and me and said, “God picked me back up!” My heart was so full. Gods grace and love was so amazing He restored our marriage and pulled my husband out of the dark place he was in for so long.

Loss of my children

After our daughter turned 4 years old my husband and I decided we were finally ready to try for our second child. Our marriage was in a good place and we were ready to give our daughter a sibling. Not long after trying we found out we were pregnant in May 2019. We were both so excited and shared the news with our daughter, family, and friends. Our daughter was so happy to become a big sister. She literally asked me daily when the baby was coming. Being a teacher, I was even more excited that school would soon be out so that I can rest and get through the first trimester during summer vacation.

School released for the year and I scheduled my first ultrasound appointment. I wanted to do it after I completed my volunteer work at vacation bible school at our church. That following week after vacation bible school, my husband and I went in for our first ultrasound. We were so excited to see what I had been baking for the last 8.5 weeks gestation. I laid on the bed and the ultrasound tech started the ultrasound. She was quiet; but didn’t think anything of it. It had been a while since I’d had an pregnancy ultrasound. I asked her, ” What do you see?” She said, ” I’m just taking pictures right now.” Still, nothing crossed my mind that something would be wrong. A couple minutes later she ended the silence with the statement, ” I’m not finding a heart beat.” I looked at my husband with confusion. I couldn’t process what she was telling us. We met with the doctor afterwards and she was explaining to us what miscarriage was and why these things occur. I honestly don’t remember anything she said, I just felt numb. Walking out of the doctors office was equally as painful because I had to pass so many expectant mothers and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I never thought I would become 1 in 4. ( 1 in 4 women loss babies due to miscarriage).

I chose the option to miscarry at home with the help of medication. The medication I took basically puts you in labor so that you pass your baby at home. Within a couple of hours of taking the medication, I started to feel contractions and after 5 hours of labor pains, I passed my baby. I remember the moment I felt her leave my body, I quickly fished her out of the toilet and cried. This all happened in the middle of the night so I had to wake my husband and show him. We spent a few moments with her before I flushed her down the toilet. It wasn’t her, she was already with Jesus. I refer to my baby as her because my daughter said it was a girl when we told her about the pregnancy. I had a range of emotions that night. I really hadn’t felt the mental aspect of everything yet because of the physical pain of the labor.

The days to follow were rough; I experienced a range of emotions. I was angry. I didn’t understand why God allowed this to happen. Why let us conceive if this was going to be the outcome? I stayed in bed for days crying and feeling angry. My husband was so patient with me. Showing so much strength, love, and compassion even though I know he was grieving too. The hardest part was explaining to my four year old that the baby didn’t make it. She was so upset and asked so many questions, all in which we answered the best we could. ” Why did I live but this baby died?” I responded with, ” Jesus had to take the baby home with him because she wasn’t healthy.” I tried my hardest to lean on God but I felt myself slipping slowly into a dark place of grief.

About a week after my miscarriage, I received a text message from a family member containing a picture. The picture was of a family member with this woman. As soon as I saw this woman’s face, I was instantly hit with the sound of a squeaky fan in my past. In that moment I saw it; the sheet less bunk bed, squeaky fan, and this woman molesting me. I had experienced another molestation that I didn’t know about until that moment. This time I never had any recollection of it until I saw her picture. I had a repressed memory. This had to have occurred shortly after my other molestation and as a way to protect myself my mind unconsciously blocked the memory. Recalling this memory brought on a wave of emotions. I felt like a kid again that had just experienced trauma. I was angry, ashamed, and disgusted. On top of this wave of emotions, I was still grieving the loss of my child. I completely shut down and went into one of the darkest places I had ever been in. Why would God reveal this to me at such a devastating time in my life? It felt so cruel. I was in a full depression, and I didn’t get off the couch for two weeks. Isolating myself from my family, specifically my husband and daughter. I felt so broken and lost. The grief sat on me like the weight of a semi- truck. I desperately wanted the pain to be over, even if it meant my demise.

As I laid in my grief, Holy Spirit reminded me of something. For several weeks prior to my loss, I was praying that God reveal any blockage that was on my heart or anything unrighteous that was blocking me from elevating closer to Him. I longed to be closer and I felt like there was something in the way. In that moment, it all made sense, I had to have the miscarriage before He revealed the molestation to me. That was the blockage I was feeling and it needed to be healed. This revelation gave me the strength to seek God in my healing. He was gracious enough to answer my prayer and provide me with the opportunity to remove that layer. Gods word says, ” So I say to you; Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you” Luke 11:9. God didn’t have to answer that prayer for me. He could have allowed me to continue to walk around with that unknown hurt in my heart. He knew I needed healing to elevate so He had to break my heart by revealing it. The heartbreak was temporary because He gave me freedom in my healing. I wasn’t a victim, I was a survivor.

My healing journey continued and things were going good. I was so grateful that God had revealed all that He did to me in the previous months. Then we found out we were expecting again. I was reluctant at first, especially since our loss was only four months prior. I slowly started to get excited and thank God for blessing us again. My husband and I decided that we weren’t going to tell anyone until we reached the 12-week mark. My pregnancy symptoms were much heavier this time around. Constant nausea and exhaustion was my daily normal. I embraced it though. I was just so happy to be pregnant again.

My husband and I went to our first ultrasound together. I was anxious but hopeful. Walking in the doctor’s office brought up old feelings from my previous miscarriage but I fought them off and just kept saying, ” Lord, I trust you.” We were called back and I laid on the bed in preparation for the ultrasound. I took a few deep breaths as she proceeded to start the ultrasound. She was silent initially and I could tell she was taking measurements of everything. She looked at me and said, ” okay, there is your baby and it has a heart beat.” I could tell she was excited too. She remembered us from our previous loss. I remembered laying there thanking God and thinking this will finally be the baby I will get to hold. Everything looked good and we were so excited but it was still early so we wanted to keep it to ourselves. A couple weeks passed and I continued to grow and experience pregnancy symptoms. I did have a slight scare with some moderate bleeding. I tried not to worry too much because I experienced this same thing with my daughter. To be on the safe side, I went into the ER to be checked. They did an ultrasound and there was a baby, still there with a strong heart beat. I was so relieved and glad I went ahead and went in to be checked.

We went in for our second ultrasound at my doctors office and I was more confident this time having seen my baby’s heart beat 2.5 weeks prior to this day. I laid on the table and she began the ultrasound and I immediately saw my baby and his heartbeat. I breathed a sigh of relief and thanked God. We went ahead and scheduled our third ultrasound about two weeks out. This time, I booked it at an outside clinic from my doctor’s office because it was closer to our home. I was now a little over 11 weeks and I was going in for my third ultrasound. The ultrasound tech was very friendly and explained to us that he was just be taking pictures and that he couldn’t give us any feedback on the ultrasound because it had to be reviewed and reported by my doctor. That was the longest ultrasound, he was friendly and made casual conversation with us but the not knowing was causing me to become fearful and anxious.

My phone rang and I saw it was my doctor’s office. I knew she was calling me about my ultrasound so I answered the phone. “Mrs. ….., I was reviewing your ultrasound report and I’m sorry to inform you but your baby no longer has a heart beat.” I had heard this before. This time was different. I was sad but I didn’t feel defeated. Yes, I still went through my anger stage, but it was temporary. I had to make a choice to trust God in this valley. I could not allow myself to fall into darkness like I did with my previous miscarriage. I just knew that I was going to be okay regardless of the devastation. This time I had to have surgery, a D&C.

The day of my surgery came. I was strong for the most part, but more fearful of the damage it could potentially cause to my uterus. I was going Google crazy and read so much stuff. While waiting in the holding room before surgery, fighting my fear I started to worship. I just started singing, ” Your a good good Father, its who you are, and I’m loved by you…..” I felt at peace and I knew that for whatever reason, this was Gods will. I just had to trust his plan even though I didn’t understand it. The surgery went well and I was discharged home. I experienced a lot of pain that first night. It was so painful that it was hard to go to sleep. The physical pain literally had me in tears. My husband was my rock. He was so strong for me. He held me and prayed for me throughout the night. I felt so safe even in my pain. The mental pain hit me on Christmas day. I would have been 12 weeks and we were going to announce our pregnancy to my daughter by giving her the ultrasound picture as a gift. It was rough, but God gave me strength and comforted me in my waves of grief.

To lose two children in one year is traumatic. You have so many ranges of emotions, anger, sadness, and embarrassment. The embarrassment comes from you feeling like your body failed your children. Just know, it is nothing you could have done to prevent this. These things just happen. Pain and suffering is a part of life and its Gods grace that gets us through. The Lord gave me this scripture and I have read it daily since the loss of my second baby, ” I am sure what we are suffering now cannot compare with the glory that will be shown to us” Romans 8:18. This scripture brings me so much comfort and I feel the Lord comforting my heart in my waves of sadness.

The Lord gave me the vision to write this blog the week that I found out I lost my second baby. It was clear. He woke me up at 3am and I visually saw “Faith after Loss” on a blog page. I knew I had to be obedient and write it because He gave it to me. What I didn’t know is the breakthrough I would receive by reliving all these painful moments in my life. While writing, I have been crying tears of joy because He kept me and carried me through some of the most painful events of my life. His grace reached down in my brokenness reminded me of the freedom I have because of His ultimate sacrifice. Being a Christian and having a relationship with God doesn’t mean that you will be spared of pain and suffering, but it does mean that God will never leave or forsake you and He will give you peace through any storm that you face. You just have to rely totally on Him. He understands your suffering and feelings, you just have to make a choice to trust Him with your entire life. The Lord says, ” that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the just and unjust” Matthew 5:45 NKJV. So here I am now, a broken vessel being used by God to share my testimony with others. I am so grateful He chose me to share such intimate moments in my life in hopes to help others.

While in the process of writing this blog, God gave me this song by Chandler Moore and Steffany Gretzinger, “Refiner”– the chorus is powerful, ” You’re a fire, the refiner, I wanna be consumed. I wanna be tried by the fire, purified, you take whatever you desire, Lord here’s my life.” This song ignited a fire in my spirit and the Lord used this song to let His words flow through me as I wrote. I will attach the song below;

Closing prayer

Lord I thank you for giving me the courage to share my story. I pray that whoever reads this sees you and only you. My story isn’t what’s important, it is Your grace. I pray that someone reads this and seeks you whole-heartily and surrenders all their pain and suffering to you. I pray that they cry out Abba Father and you wrap your arms around them and comfort them during whatever storm or season they are facing. We know that your grace is sufficient and can carry us through all things. We give You all the praise and glory, forever. Amen.

James 1:2-8- My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, ³ knowing that the testing of your faith produces ^[a]patience. ⁴ But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be ^[b]perfect and complete, lacking nothing. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. ⁶ But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. ⁷ For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; ⁸ he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.